I'm feelin' the hell WEEKS coming!

I know I've been ranting about school for the first few months of my senior year, but now that it's almost coming to an end, I feel like slowing down. LOL. Trying to savor the few months left before I graduate! :)

Anyway, this has been a pretty interesting week. My dad's company joined MISA's IT Week which showcases the latest trends in technology. I'm not so sure my schoolmates can appreciate GPS tracking systems and security programs right now but it's a good opportunity to let them know that such a technology exists here and is made locally.

Alright, back to work!

Distraction. Hopefully NOT Destruction.

Taking the ABS-CBN Film and TV Production workshop has been one of the best choices I've made (A choice made just in time, might I add, because they won't be doing it again for some time!). Saying I learned a lot from it is an understatement. I not only learned, I also changed as a person on so many levels. I've met really good people, too.

When I entered college, I was conditioning myself for three different careers: business, law and film. Law has been losing its appeal to me the past few years so I decided to take a year off after graduation and see if I really want to take it. Business is always an option, of course, and I will grab the opportunity once I find it. ;)

Film is what preoccupies me at the moment (by preoccupied, I mean that I have the tendency to prioritize it more than my school work, which, I admit, isn't good. I just can't help it! Haha) and I've been having the time of my life, at least before I graduate! Going home at 2:30 am knowing you have class, exams and submissions the next day isn't very stressful if you like what you're doing. LOL. Don't get me wrong. It is far, FAR from easy. In fact, it is a VERY tedious and stressful career and you cannot survive it if you don't have the passion and patience for it.

BLAH. Okay, enough of that. Gotta focus on my thesis. LOL. Til next update!

Death of the National Artist Award

I cannot believe that the Palace (of doom) has infiltrated and deprecated even the arts and culture sector of the country. Moreover, if the concerned artists declared by the Palace have respect for the award, they will not make things worse by imposing themselves. If they believe they deserve the award, this is not the way to do it. There is a process which, obviously, good ol' madam president has--AS ALWAYS--disregarded. That is a slap in the face of the artist community who have treated their work with purity and without the disgusting touch of politics. Disgraced, dishonored, scandalized.. oooh these are still mild words to describe what they've done. The artists gave it a more appropriate term.

BINABOY ang award na ito. Tulad ng PAGBABOY sa iba't ibang sektor na ng bansa. Tulad ng lahat ng KABABUYANG ginagawa nilang harap-harapan sa atin. Aba, kung tutuusin, LUBOS na mas malinis pa ang totoong baboy kung ikukumpara sa mga kabalbalang pinaggagagawa ng mga 'to. Pasensya na. Matagal na tayong nagtitiis sa marahas at baboy na pamamalakad sa atin. Mukha kasing hindi pa sapat ang lahat ng paghihirap na dinulot nila kaya pati ang sining natin na siyang isa sa mga kaunting natitirang aspeto na maganda sa bansa ay dudumihan nila ng kanilang pang-aabuso ng kapangyarihan. Hindi na nakuntento. Pasensya na rin dahil kahit ano pang sabihin nila, sinasabi na ng utak ko na kabaliktaran ang ibig sabihin nila. Sa madaling salita, ubos na ang pagtitiwala ko. Sa totoo lang, hinihintay ko na lang ang 2010 at umaasang mabura maski ang anino ng mga taong itong nangbaboy sa bansa.

Magko-quote ako sa mga nabasa ko tungkol sa isyu ng National Artist Award. Ito ang isa sa mga sinabi ni Carlo J. Caparas, ayon sa isang article ng Inquirer. Ako po ang naghighlight gamit ang bold fonts.

‘Why me?’

Caparas said, “I don’t understand why people are making a big fuss about this. It’s sad that they have to resort to this tactic. It’s because it’s the first time for a National Artist to have such a long title.

“I’m not being conceited. I just want to point out the truth. The past winners are not well-known. ’Di nila mapalutang ang award na ito. Ngayon lang ulit napapag-usapan (They can’t make this award shine. It’s only now that it’s being talked about again),” he said.

‘Personal attack’

Caparas said that through his work in TV, film and comics, he was able to provide employment to hundreds of Filipinos.

“I ask this question of other National Artists: Have you helped anyone in your work? I think this is not about the National Artist award anymore. It’s a personal attack on me,” he said.

Caparas singled out National Artist for Literature F. Sionil Jose, whom he described as “a mere sectoral or campus artist.”

“He writes for a school. Not everyone knows about his work. Does that mean people not familiar with the things he does should also protest his being a National Artist?” Caparas argued, adding:

“He said he walked out on my movies. But while he was walking out, millions were arriving to watch ‘The Maggie de la Riva Story.’ Who has the problem—the only one who walked out or the millions of viewers who came to watch my film?”

Caparas said “The Maggie de la Riva Story,” released in 1994, held the all-time high box office record. “The population of Metro Manila at that time was 10 million. Four million people came to watch my film. Ask the film’s producer, Viva Productions, if you think I’m lying to you."

Nothing personal

Lumbera and Almario said they had nothing personal against Caparas and Alvarez, and that any critique of their contribution to Philippine culture could have been discussed thoroughly if their names had been submitted for deliberations.

“[But] what is the power of Caparas’ art on the consciousness of the masses? His movies were not important,” Lumbera said.

He said that if Caparas was chosen for his film work, “what about Dolphy, Nora (Aunor) or Vilma (Santos) or Mike de Leon?”

On Alvarez, Almario recalled that when he was NCCA executive director, he was also nominated for the National Artist award but he declined.

“In her case, it is not only an issue of delicadeza but a moral question as well,” he said. With reports from Marinel R. Cruz and Jerome Aning

Personally, I think this is a shocking revelation of what a lot of people think art is and what an artist is.

Mga kababayan, ano ba sa tingin niyo ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng "art" ngayon? Kung ang kahusayan mo ay nahuhusgahan na pala sa numero ng mga taong nanood ng pelikula mo, aba, edi ang dami na pala nating pwedeng maging National Artist! Napakadali naman pala eh! O kung maraming nagbabasa ng libro mo, National Artist ka na rin ba? Kung ganon, kung pinoy man si Stephenie Meyer eh magiging National Artist na rin siya dahil sa milyon-milyong kopya ng Twilight na nabenta niya at maraming pang naloka. Sa mga artista, alam niyo ba ang kaibahan ng "stars" sa "actors"? Sabi nga nila, we have plenty of stars but a few actors. Kasikatan. Iyon ba ang sukat? Naglalaho ang kasikatan, mga pare ko. Sa paglaho ba nito, may nananatili pa bang katotohanan, kagandahan, at kaayusan na ipinapahiwatig at binubuo ang kaluluwa at pag-iisip ng tao? Sa "consciousness" ng tao, sabi nga ni Bienvenido Lumbera.

Sabi ni Carlo Caparas, "I ask this question of other National Artists: Have you helped anyone in your work?" Tama bang itanong iyan? Katawa-tawa lang naman po dahil ang mga National Artist na kinikiwestyon mo ang pagtulong sa tao, sila lang naman po ang mga taong dedikado sa trabaho nila na maraming natuturuan at kumikilos hindi para bumenta ang gawa nila pero dahil ito para sa kanila ang maganda, kaaya-aya at totoo. Carlo Caparas, tanong ko sayo, sino ba ang ideyal mo sa mga ginagawa mo? Sino ang lokal na iniidolo mo sa sining? Sigurado akong kahit isa man lang sa kanila ay National Artist. Ngayon, ikaw ang sumagot ng sarili mong tanong. Nakatulong ba ang mga nagawa ng National Artist sa'yo? Kung hindi (na hindi naman ako magugulat) itanong mo nalang sa mga kapwa direktor mo (na mas nararapat pa siguro sa award na ito), sino ang mga inidolo nila?

Hay. Nakalulungkot na ganito ang tingin ng ibang tao sa mga National Artist natin. Ngayon tinatawag na rin silang "elitista." Wala po sa yaman o kataasan ng edukasyon ang pagiging karapat-dapat sa parangal na 'to. Nakatutulong ang mga ito ng kaunti, pero hindi ito ang basehan. Alam ito ng artists natin, huwag silang insultuhin. Hindi sila ang isyu dito. Hindi rin si Caparas at Alvarez kundi ang napakagaling na presidente natin at ang kanyang napakahusay na paggamit sa kapangyarihan. (Teka, nasusuka ako sa huling pangungusap na 'yon. Bye.)

A Yellow Ribbon for Cory

Never have I seen such a grand commemoration and celebration of a national icon as President Cory Aquino's funeral convoy. As I've seen from the way the people honor her, the way they react to her death, the way they've named her the "mother of democracy," I now wonder how I went through 21 years of my life without knowing how big a person she was to the people. The present government is emitting so much negativity, I admit I've forgotten that, as much as there are politicians filthier and stinkier than shit, there are also the noble ones ("noble politician" is not always a paradox, it turns out!).

There's always this indescribable feeling when you see people--thousands, even millions of them--gathered together to honor one cause or, in this case, a person. It was so touching, I was struggling to hold back the tears. We rarely see and feel this strong sense of unity, forgetting differences and forgiving past faults because there is something greater right in front of us, at least for the time being.

(Shame on those who taint it with their dirty politics. They will lose. The people, as we've witnessed, are for Cory and what she fought for. ANYWAY, no more of that on a solemn moment like this.)

The people love her indeed and it's a blessing to witness it. I should know from my parents, especially my dad. I wake up early every morning as my parents watch the morning news which are mostly about Cory Aquino.

Even our cars have yellow ribbons! :)

Well, I guess there's too much and too little I'll be able to say at this point, so I'll just say the one thing people say in honor of her. Salamat, Cory!

TITANIC

Awhile ago, I watched Titanic for the VERY FIRST TIME. I figured if I wanted to get into the movie business, it would be a shame not to watch one of the greatest romance & epic movies ever just because I am deathly afraid of sinking ships. AND, of course, people freak out when I tell them I haven't watched it yet. LOL. Indeed, I have been missing a lot by not watching that film. I KNOW, OKAY? haha. Thanks again to Javi for downloading it. :)

Prison Break Finale

SPOILER AHEAD. HAHA.

This is probably one of the best conclusions to a TV series EVER. Well, it is for me, since I'm rarely able to finish a series. Haha. I seriously cried LOADS for Michael Scofield! You really feel that everything they went through ever since the first season ends there, like there's this montage of episodes of the last 4 seasons in your head. Haha.

Thanks to Javi for letting me watch it. Or the whole of Prison Break for that matter. :))

I should be doing school work right now.. work I've missed not doing because I was sick for the past two days. I am obviously delaying it yet again. lol. I am not enjoying one bit of ANY of my classes this semester -- well, maybe 2 out of 6 but that's not enough to make me want to get up and go to my classes and walk around in the rain EVERY SINGLE DAY. I enjoy almost everything I do outside school as if all I'm waiting for is to get out of it. lol.

What is wrong with me??

Man in the Mirror

This is the most moving MJ song for me. MJ's songs have been the best but this one really goes into the self. You know, the thing that affects me the most is that he had to die before the world had been all-out in celebrating him. I still can't get over it. I guess the saying never fails: You don't know what you have until it's gone. I'm guilty of this too.

"The King of Pop". "The greatest entertainer of all time". There must be a reason they gave him those titles. ;)

I know everybody dies eventually. But I'm pretty sure not everybody can rise up that high and perform to change the world.

Anyway, enough of that. Here's the song that reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Gandhi,

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ;D

because Michael Jackson deserves a spot here

Here's to the legend, the King of Pop, who has managed to tie the world together. If only he could see the billions of people worldwide mourning his death, but also celebrating his extraordinary existence in history...

Leda and the Swan

Ever wonder how Zeus in the form of a swan managed to rape Leda?

I was TOO curious, I had to search for artists' interpretation of it. lol.






Naughty naughty Zeus... ;)

On the Paradox of Life

I found this somewhere online.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

-----

The Paradox of Life

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods, and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. ..."

http://www.poeticexpressions.co.uk/POEMS/Paradox%20of%20LIfe.htm

Bihira lang

Bihira lang dumating ang mga taong kaya mong kausapin ng buong-buo, iyong mga taong mapagkakatiwalaan mong ibuhos ang sarili mo nang hindi natatakot na baka hatualan ka nila bilang ganito o ganyang tao. Iyong mga taong kaya o sinusubukan kang sabayan kahit papaano sa pagmumuni. Iyong mga taong handa at lubos na nakikinig sa mga salita mo, na hindi lang tumitigil sa pagdinig ng aktwal mong boses at mga salita kundi pagdinig ng mismong pagkatao mo, na pati ang mga bagay na hindi mo sinasabi ay naririnig at naiintindihan. "Can see through you" kumbaga.

Bihira lang.

Kamusta

Ang tagal ko nang hindi sumusulat. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Teka, sa mga maarteng hirap daw mag-basa ng Filipino, tangina wag na kayong mag-inarte. Pagod na pagod na ako sa mga kaartehan at ka-plastikan na nakapaligid sa akin ngayon. Nakakahiya, Pilipino kayo, dito kayo nakatira tapos ikakahiya niyo wika natin, gagamitin niyo lang pag kausap niyo mga drayber at kasambahay niyo. ANO BA. HAHA.

Malamang nagtataka kayo kung saan ako nanggagaling at nagsusungit ako. LOL. Pasensya na, ilang araw na kasi akong nabibingi sa ka-konyohan ng mga tao sa school. Nung nasa restroom nga ako sa loob ng cubicle, may narinig akong usapan ng tres bruhildas, mga sophies yata na dapat pinag-uuntog ko na sa salamin. Paano, mag kukuwentuhan na nga lang at magtatanungan kung okay bang mag-minor sa dakilang Management na course, lalaitin pa ang IS. Please lang.

I swear, cynic na ako. Gusto ko nang matapos at grumaduate bago pa lalong lumala ang populasyon ng naturang elite school na iyon. Sayang. Sayang na talaga. Parang hindi na iyon yung institusyon na tinalun-talunan ko sa sobrang tuwa noong pumasa ako. Sana nagkakamali ako ng pananaw, para na rin sa ikabubuti ng mga nangangarap pumasok doon hindi dahil sosyal o high profile ang eskwelahan pero dahil sa paniniwalang kahit papaano, maganda pa rin ang edukasyong nabibigay nila na hindi mahahanap sa iba.

ANYWAY, tulad ng sabi ko kanina, ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat. Maraming nangyari at nagbago, halata naman sa mga pinagsasasabi ko ngayon. Mukhang frustrated ako pero sa kabuuan, masayang masaya ako dahil sa wakas nahanap ko na rin yung gusto ko, o at least yung sa tingin ko ngayon na gusto kong gawin talaga. :))

Yon.

Sa susunod na ako magkukuwento, inantok ako bigla. LOL

Soul Searching. Soul Found.

A repost from my old LJ blog, dated December 5, 2007. A way of re-inspiring myself.

---

I would usually write about a fucked-up experience but tonight, I think I'll take this time to just be thankful for the way things are. Haha! Besides, it's too EXHAUSTING to see all the bad things around me, so I'ma pay attention naman to the good side of things diba??


Life is beautiful, man!


I've come up with a new personal mission statement!

I've been conscious of the fact that in life, we ALWAYS have a choice. It's just a question of values that determine our choices. That perception was buried for a while when I couldn't do the things I wanted because I kept blaming circumstance for not giving me the resources. But somehow, in reading Stephen Covey's book, I managed to live up to that belief again; that I always had, have, and will have the choice to do what I want, NO MATTER how much circumstances TRY to control me. I will do what I have to in order to be the best person I can be, even if it means altering my personality and my values, even my principles... a paradigm shift, a new way of looking at the world.

Somehow, I want to be a kid again, dreaming about my future profession and saying it with conviction. I remember I used to say, "I want to be a lawyer". And then it became "I want to be the President of this country and make it a better place!" I also said "I want to be scientist" or "I want to work in a forensic laboratory and make crime punishment more just". I had these dreams when I was young and there was nothing else I had to worry about. But I grew up and reality started to become clearer to me: I was growing up with detrimental limitations. My self-esteem went down the drain and so did my dreams. I had only my passion left (which also eventually faded): writing. I said I wanted to be a writer and change the world (the way playwrights, poets and other writers did with their inspirational one-liners), or at least a part of it.

I had these dreams. What happened to them?

If there is one thing I regret, it is letting limitations get the best of me.

But now, I see myself like an old and rusty machine working again, building up this momentum that when I start to go for what I want, I'll be unstoppable.

I will let my dreams take over my life again.

It isn't clear to me what profession I'll take on in the future. I want to be so many things, I know I will NEVER go for just one.

I do know what I want to be, though. I want to be unstoppable, making things happen..... the way I saw my future self when I was I kid.

And with that, I think it's time I go down from this tall tree I just climbed because I've reassessed my position and now I know where to go.

(...... i think. )

Typhoons ruin EVERYTHING

I hate typhoons during the summer, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY COME JUST WHEN YOU'VE SCHEDULED YOUR BEACH TRIP!!!! Funny thing is, we were at the beach EXACTLY when the typhoon came. (If we came an hour earlier or later, it would have been only rain and a bit of wind, which was okay) The waves were raging, the air was blowing us and the tree leaves so harshly and making raindrops smash on our skin which felt like a hundred NEEDLES piercing you. LOL. Not to mention, the moronic caretakers of the beach won't give discounts on the P1500 huts which were ABSOLUTELY USELESS during the typhoon.

So yes, I currently have bad cough and colds and got sick when we went home. Oh, and definitely frustrated because it felt like we gave away money. LOL. But if I want to feel better, I can definitely see this as a new experience--you know, being at the beach exactly during a typhoon and being pushed around by the waves-- which is kind of nice if only the useless huts were free! The guys enjoyed fighting with the wind and waves, of course, so I guess it was okay.. again, if ONLY the useless huts were free. haha.

Anyway, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

"Creative Bumming"

I'm learning so much from my production workshop and we've had only 3 meetings so far! One of the many things I've learned is to do "creative reading" and "creative watching". That's how your imagination and ideas expand, of course. I've been doing that even before the workshop but now, I guess I pay more attention to it. So recently I've mostly been doing that: watching good movies and reading good books. (I'm afraid I don't have good taste when it comes to music. lol). I should call it "creative/productive bumming". I'm also more open to local films now. I was always biased about local films, thinking they're too shallow, superficial, redundant, and 1,000,000% mainstream. Not to mention how actor-based these films are. I guess commercialized movies which are the most visible ones are like that, but when you look closer or dig deeper, you actually find few but great movies.

Pacquiao

I woke up early this morning hearing the news that around 50 of our dear politicians went to the US to "watch" the Pacquiao and Hatton match. How exciting to know that the people's money can send government representatives on luxurious trips nowadays! Kinda gives you a reason to wish Pacquiao would lose this fight. lol.
So, yeah, just another one of my political frustration rantings.;)

Life is like a track

You start at the starting line.

You run.

You jump hurdles.

You stumble.

You get back up.

Sometimes you go off-track.

And then you get back on track.

And then you run again.

Go through the obstacles.

Slow down.

Run faster.

And when you get a glimpse of the finish line, you sprint for it.

You cross the finish line, only to see that where you began was where you were always meant to be...

which you never would have known if you hadn't gone away from it.

Summer Update

As of now, my summer has been pretty unproductive. I've been consuming more than I'm producing which is why it doesn't surprise me that I gained 7 lbs and I've been having a hard time fitting myself in my clothes lately! Tomorrow, I'm going to the first day of the production workshop I enrolled in. I can't say I'm excited but I hope it goes well. I've always been interested in it. :) Anyway, before my official summer activity starts, here's a list of the things I've done this summer (which doesn't really mean anything except that it makes me feel less like a bum. lol):

Went to the beach (1x)
Read books leisurely (2x)
Played badminton (3x)
Climbed a mountain (1x)
Went out of town (2x)
Updated online pages (12342341235x. lol)
Went out with my gal friends (3x)
Night Life (3x)
Overslept (3x a week)
Went out with Javi (6x a week)
Watched TV series (5x a week)
Watched films (err. a LOT)

and blahblahblah. Okay, I don't think I've been doing much the past 3 weeks. At least nothing compared to the summer jobs and OJTs of my friends. What a shame! But it's all good. It's my last summer as a student and I definitely won't have the luxury to relax like this--or this long--after I graduate.

Anyway, because summer is a season of squandering time on mundane things, I've spent a lot of it online. I hate it actually... going online in Facebook, Multiply, Plurk or wherever countless times a day just because you have the time to and with the hope that your friends are as bored as you are and are interested in what's happening to you. I am ironically active in these things when everyone can see how anti-social I am. lol. I think I should refrain from going online as often. ;)

http://www.inquirer.net/specialfeatures/subicrapecase/view.php?db=1&article=20090318-194696

http://www.inquirer.net/specialfeatures/subicrapecase/view.php?db=1&article=20090318-194740



The system is making fools out of all of us.

Translated: Ginagago po tayo ng sistema.

Of deaths and parties

I learned of another death today. A lot of my friends have sent group messages about a boy getting killed in school by an accident. It's devastating to hear about that, learning what the hustle and bustle nowadays can do to a young boy. Imagine being killed in your own private and supposedly safe school grounds. I'm sure no one is to blame, but it doesn't change the fact that it is disappointing and devastating, that there had to be a failure somewhere. A series of what-ifs, should-haves, if-only's...

While reflecting on this, a few messages pop up again on my screen. This time, about invitations to parties and events.

I should have saved a screenshot in order to show you the ridiculous contrast or irony or whatever it's called. Messages asking to pray for the boy who died on the one side, and invitations to parties on the other.

*sigh*

Life goes on.

Anxiety

Here I am procrastinating again. lol. I'm supposed to be preparing for a group report tomorrow on Cosplay, which is a subject I know nothing about. I really have a bad feeling my beloved teacher will kill me (again) coz he hates people who don't know what they'r talking about, which will basically be me tomorrow. harhar. Oh well. What's another hour of hell in my whole hellish semester in that class? ;))

Apologies for seeming to be so pessimistic. It's just a means, I swear. lol. My friend Leslie and I were talking about how it's okay to dwell in your feelings until you're ready to move on. It reminds me of John Keats. Anyway, I guess this is me dwelling in my anxiety until tomorrow. arrhh.

Slumdog Millionaire: A MUST-watch

Thanks to Javi for really getting me to watch this.

Slumdog Millionaire is about, yes, a slumdog who became a millionaire by winning the Indian version of the game, 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' As the uneducated person that he is, authorities question him and thinks he might be cheating. The rest of the film tells the story of how he won that game. In this film, you really see that the things you remember the most are those that you experience the hard way.

Really a touching story, just don't watch until the the dance at the end. It ruins the mood. lol. ;)

Mediocrity

They say when you want something, go get it because it's not worth being forced to do something you don't want to do. There's also this book entitled "Do what you love, the money will follow". I've held onto these ideas probably my whole life. But I am slowly realizing that loving something does not always mean being good at it as well (despite the loads of effort, time and resources you give for it), and I think this was the real reason why I shifted away from my first course. I was afraid to face the fact that I can't be as good as I want to be at something I really wanted. It's the fear of realizing that this thing you've always associated with yourself, something you've been attached to, something which can almost define you, was never really entirely you because you can't be good enough for it. That is when you start to lose yourself, or at least the sense of it.

And that, I think, is one of the reasons why I am a mess right now. I'm shattered (assuming that I was once really whole) and I am struggling to be myself again... to have a self at all. To do what I love and be good at it, because that way I'll know I'm where I'm supposed to be, unlike now when I'm feeling that things aren't right... that there's something wrong with me or that I'm doing something wrong because no matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be that person.

The sad fact is, I fucking feel so downright mediocre.

(Gohd, so emo.)

Because I have been feeling like a stone lately (if stones feel at all), let me just share some things that made me less stony. haha.

This is from my LitCrit reading by Victor Shlovsky (which I'm reading now to prepare for tomorrow's midterms. LOL):

"'If the whole complex lives of many people go on unconsciously, then such lives are as if they had never been.' And art exists that one may recover the sensation of life, it exists to make one feel things, to make the stone stony. The purpose of art is to impart the sensation of things as they are perceived and not as they are known."

And this one, I got from my Ad teacher. It was so beautiful that we used it for our report in aesthetics.

Watch it. It WILL make your heart melt.

So yes, back to work. ;)

(My birthday was 3 days ago. lol)

Make time stop. I'm not ready to be 21 yet!

Boo

My resume is lifeless. How very sad.

The Reign of Greed

The Reign of Greed is the English title of El Filibusterismo (ahhh the things I learn in my aesthetics class)... only the greedy are no longer the Spaniards but our own people... the very people who make the country run--or not run, to use a more appropriate term.

"With Spain or without Spain they would always be the same, and perhaps worse! Why independence, if the slaves of today will be the tyrants of tomorrow? And that they will be such is not to be doubted, for he who submits to tyranny loves it."

- Padre Florentino, El Filibusterismo

He was right.

Detached.

Damn, let's just get these things over with.

Bitin

I wish this break would last a hundred days longer! That way, we'd all go straight to summer vacation. LOL. Thinking of going to school always did kill me. I remember when I was in grade school, I'd cry so loud in the morning begging my parents to not make go to school. And when I did go, I wouldn't let go of my dad's hand and my teacher would start pulling me away from him. That was the routine. Ugh. Some things don't change. Except, of course, I stopped crying every morning and my teachers don't pull me to go in the classroom anymore.

Actually there's only one class I'd hate to go back to... the class I only signed up for because it had the word "literature" in its title but it turns out that there's no sign of literature there... the class whose teacher stepped on me until there was nothing left of me to step on... the class where I now feel like a banana peel when I enter... geez. Here I go again. Sorry. It's a f*cking POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, I swear. LOL. I say that, because these symptoms have happened to me:

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

Hahaha. Okay enough of that. It's not good to think of such things on the first day of the year. ;)

My Christmas and New Year were great (even with the upset stomach)! There's still the family reunion I'm looking forward to. I just love the holidays. :))