They say when you want something, go get it because it's not worth being forced to do something you don't want to do. There's also this book entitled "Do what you love, the money will follow". I've held onto these ideas probably my whole life. But I am slowly realizing that loving something does not always mean being good at it as well (despite the loads of effort, time and resources you give for it), and I think this was the real reason why I shifted away from my first course. I was afraid to face the fact that I can't be as good as I want to be at something I really wanted. It's the fear of realizing that this thing you've always associated with yourself, something you've been attached to, something which can almost define you, was never really entirely you because you can't be good enough for it. That is when you start to lose yourself, or at least the sense of it.
And that, I think, is one of the reasons why I am a mess right now. I'm shattered (assuming that I was once really whole) and I am struggling to be myself again... to have a self at all. To do what I love and be good at it, because that way I'll know I'm where I'm supposed to be, unlike now when I'm feeling that things aren't right... that there's something wrong with me or that I'm doing something wrong because no matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be that person.
The sad fact is, I fucking feel so downright mediocre.
(Gohd, so emo.)
03 February 2009
Mediocrity
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1 walked with me:
everyone feels mediocre, at least once in their lives. Sometimes, we feel like our lives are insignificant and in disarray; but recently, I've come to the conclusion that there is-must be- a reason for why we are here. I know the feeling of being suspended in the vacuum that I've labeled life. At times, it is rough but that's why we have other people around us, to constantly remind us that we have significance. That our being here means that we are part of something, even though it appears to be mediocre to us; we neglect to realize that we are part of the bigger picture. Our life influences another person's and because we are living, we get the chance to change and be that grander version of ourself we strive toward to.
If ever there was a time when life really is mediocre, that is when we subtract ourself from the world and from other people. The moment we fail to make even a tiny ripple in someone's life, that is when we become truly mediocre.
You are one of the people that has kept me afloat and made not a ripple but waves upon waves of happiness and brought stability to my flaky sense of living. By being there, by being you, I feel overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude I've never felt that I have had the privilege of knowing someone like you.
So never ever think that your life is mediocre because it's not. You are spectacular and I really mean that. I hope that someday, you'll realize it too.
-Riva
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