I'd rather

This. is. drama.
But I have to write it. ;)

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I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart

Years ago, I heard this Luther Vandross song and I thought it to be ultimately foolish. I hated it. Well, it was partly because I misunderstood it. Why on earth would you want to have bad times with someone? I guess back then it didn't occur to me how painful it is to part with someone you love, because I didn't have that person then. But now I do, and today, I got a good--or should I say, bad--glimpse of a life without him. The pain... is indescribable. I used to seek pain just to feel something extreme again, to make me fight (Oh god this is embarassingly EMO!). I find that a moronic thing to do now.

I don't know why but after all that's happened today, this song was the first thing that came to my mind. There is a beautiful truth in it, after all... that you are willing to bear anything--the hardships, the supposedly irreconcilable differences, the mistakes--because the pain in these is entirely, completely, to the nth degree incomparable to the pain of losing the one you love.

After all, and I quote from The Sorrows of Young Werther, "What meaning has the world for our souls without love? It is a magic lantern without its lamp." ;)

I love you, Javi. :)

♥

Tiyan

Bilog
Malaki
Parang lobo
o di kaya'y lalaking buntis
Pero kung gusto niyong cute,
tatawagin ko silang Winnie the Pooh


Wala lang. Kanina lang kasi ang dami kong nakitang lalaking pinapakita sa buong mundo ang naglalakihan nilang mga tiyan.

Wala naman masama sa malaking tiyan. Tiyan ko rin naman mismo ay malaki kaya nga ayaw kong ipakita. Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit yung iba, itataas lang yung damit na tama lang para mailabas yung tiyan. Parang nasa tiyan nila yung ilong nila. Kailangang tanggalan ng takip para makahinga. Bakit?

Hm.

Diving into your passion can sometimes lead to drowning. I'm drowning in all these readings! LOL. Of course, it's never easy, but at least I'm where I want to be. I am obviously overwhelmed but I think I'll get over it. I hope. :))

First Day Shiznit

Contrary to what I initially thought, this semester just might be the most tiring one I'll have so far! I designed my schedule (as if I could really design it) so that my TTh subjects are minimal or none at all. Consequently, my MWFs are now SUPER packed with 5 subjects. I have only one one-hour break for the whole day. EVERY hour counts. Gohd, the day feels so long. I feel like I've been in school for a month already. LOL.

But it's fine. Complaining stops here. haha.

A lot of the Humanities teachers ask me how I'm related to Atty. Lorna Kapunan. Last semester, Ma'am Soledad Reyes asked me how I knew her. It kind of happens every semester. If not the Atty, the Judge Kapunan. All I can say is, I'm sorry I cannot live up to the names of these people no matter how closely or distantly related I am to them. I'm just... Sammie Kapunan. I'm a shame to the name, I know. haha. Not that it's a laughing matter. LOL. Anyway, I mentioned this because my National Artist teacher asked me awhile ago if my mother was a lawyer, and I said no. And he asked me if the lawyer Kapunan was my aunt, and I said she's the wife of my uncle (I was attempting to clarify that I was not related to her by blood. LOL. But it was a stupid answer, I know!). And then he said, "Oh she's your aunt nga. Bruha ka." Hahaha. Well I laughed because the way he said it didn't seem like he was seriously condemning me.. Bruha nga naman ako kasi ang labo ko kausap. haha. But she's not my aunt daw. I think she's one more generation ahead of me. ANYWAY. I just had to share it because I encounter these questions every semester and I don't really know how to answer them. I think every time I say that I'm related to these people, I bring shame to their names. harhar :D So there.

Whew.

The truth?

I wish I weren't the only one who has to bear these things. The part of my past which are now inappropriate to remember, I threw them all out of my life. Sometimes I miss them, but there's no way left to go back to it... not that I want to. It's just that there always seems to be a moment where I am helpless, left with the unfair feeling of having nothing to make you feel at least half as bad as I did. My past has forgotten me, while yours keep haunting me. I cleaned mine while yours will always have bits and pieces lying around for me to stumble upon. It isn't your fault, of course. It's just a sick sad reality that some things will never be completely gone, that it is perpetually there to incite anxiety which I will never get enough of, and the best one can do is pretend that it burns in a photo.

Kapag nawawala sa sarili

Hello, Blog. Sorry ikaw na naman ang kausap ko. Okay na yun dahil hindi ko kailangang umasa na magiging interesado ka sa kung ano mang gusto kong sabihin. Wala ka kasing magagawa eh, kailangan mong i-post mga sasabihin ko.

Minsan kailangan lang ng tao ng kausap, di ba? Ang mahirap sa akin, mapili ako sa kausap. Nakakalungkot dahil yung mga inaasahan mong makinig--o kahit hindi makinig... kahit tumabi lang sayo kung kailan mo sila kailangan ay wala sa tabi mo. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi dahil baka hindi talaga interesante ang pinagsasasabi ko at boring talaga ang presence ko. Pero okay lang, kasi nakakapagod din umasa, tsaka nasanay na ako mag-isa ng ganitong oras, kinakausap ang mga blog ko, dahil blog ko lang ang kayang sumabay sa oras at isip ko.

(Konti lang ang may kaya. Si Riva. Nasaan ka Riva? Miss na kita. Magcocommute ka pa galing Cainta para lang magkita tayo. Big deal sa akin yon. Magbbirthday ka na pala. Edi mag-iisang taon na pala yung Xanga blog ko. Kasi naalala ko ginawa ko yun pagtapos natin mag-usap sa phone nung birthday mo, diba?)

Ano na bang gagawin ko? Ang lalim yata nito para sa blog. Pang diary ko lang yata ito. Oo may diary ako. Madami. Bawat stage ng buhay ko may sariling notebook. Anyway, pang diary yata itong ginagawa ko dahil masyadong personal at madrama, pero tinatamad akong kunin yung ballpen at yung diary ko. Eh wala naman bumabasa nito, di ba? Baka bukas idelete ko din 'to pag bumalik na ako sa sarili ko at nakita ko kung gaano ka walang kwenta ang ginawa kong entry na 'to.

Ganito kasi ako eh. Nagtatransform ako pag ganitong oras. Nag-iiba ang anyo ko. Meron akong personality sa araw, at meron din kapag ganitong oras. Minsan sa tingin ko ito talaga ang totoo kong kulay, kasi hindi ko kailangang magkunwari kung kanino man tulad ng ginagawa ko kapag araw. Inaamin kong may oras na nagkukunwari ako para pagtakpan ang totoo kong kulay na wala naman talagang kulay. Hindi naman sa lahat, dahil may mga taong nakakasundo ko naman ng hindi nagkukunwari o nagsusuot ng kung anumang maskara. O baka lahat kayo magduda na ha akala niyo nagkukunwari ako sa inyo. Madali naman malaman kung nagkukunwari ang isang tao eh.

Parang gusto ko nalang ulit itulog ito, at baka makagawa pa ako ng di-kanaisnais na bagay dahil frustrated na naman ako. Sayang naubos na yata nila mommy yung beer. Pero ayaw ko na pala ng beer. Hindi na ulit kinakaya ng sikmura ko lalo na kung sinabayan ng yosi. Hindi ko alam kung paano nasasanay ang tao sa ganon. Occasional lang ang bisyo ko eh, as in minsan ko lang kinakaya. Mabilis ako masuka (sorry, too much information ba?) at sumasakit ang katawan ko kapag umiinom ako ng alcohol. Kapag yosi naman nahihilo ako, tapos nanginginig, yung parang epekto ng kape kapag nasobrahan, tapos sumasama din ang sikmura ko. Ang pangit ng lasa. Kaya wag kayong mag-alala, kahit matripan kong magkaron ng bisyo ay hindi rin ako tatagal. Pero yun nga. Minsan gusto mo lang magrebelde kahit sandali. Maling pag-iisip, pero sa akin gumagana. Minsan kailangan kong layuan ang tama para malaman na iyon talaga ang dapat para sa akin, tapos sa huli ay yung tama rin ang babalikan ko. Hindi ako nagrerebelde para mawala sa sarili pero para mahanap at mabalikan ito.

Sabi sa Dead Poets Society, kailangan tingnan mo ang isang bagay sa iba't ibang pananaw. Tama yon. Kasi dumadating ang panahon na gawa nalang ako ng gawa at hindi ko alam kung bakit ko pa tinutuloy. Minsan kailangan kong layuan para balikan ulit. Parang retreat nung High School. Yun daw yung purpose nun eh, para ilayo ka sa buhay mo sandali para makita mo yung buhay mo sa ibang perspektibo at magmunimuni. Tapos babalik ka sa buhay mo at minsan alam mo na kung ano ang gagawin mo. Kailangan ko yata magretreat.

Anyway, kung binabasa mo pa rin hanggang dito ay salamat, dahil kahit papaano ay may paki ka sakin at sa kung ano mang mga sinasabi ko... kahit maliliit na bagay lang ang mga sinasabi ko, kasi sa maliliit na bagay at salita naman talaga sumasakongkreto ang persona, sabi nga sa Philo. Kaya oo, posible na kung binabalewala mo lang ang maliliit na bagay, detalye, at salita ng tao ay nawawala rin ang esensya niya sayo at--ito sasabihin ko na sa Ingles kasi hindi ko alam ang Filipino--you are missing out on the simple but essential things. Hindi ba, Blog? I'm talking to no one in particular, ok?

Okay yun lang.

Good night!