Of deaths and parties

I learned of another death today. A lot of my friends have sent group messages about a boy getting killed in school by an accident. It's devastating to hear about that, learning what the hustle and bustle nowadays can do to a young boy. Imagine being killed in your own private and supposedly safe school grounds. I'm sure no one is to blame, but it doesn't change the fact that it is disappointing and devastating, that there had to be a failure somewhere. A series of what-ifs, should-haves, if-only's...

While reflecting on this, a few messages pop up again on my screen. This time, about invitations to parties and events.

I should have saved a screenshot in order to show you the ridiculous contrast or irony or whatever it's called. Messages asking to pray for the boy who died on the one side, and invitations to parties on the other.

*sigh*

Life goes on.

Anxiety

Here I am procrastinating again. lol. I'm supposed to be preparing for a group report tomorrow on Cosplay, which is a subject I know nothing about. I really have a bad feeling my beloved teacher will kill me (again) coz he hates people who don't know what they'r talking about, which will basically be me tomorrow. harhar. Oh well. What's another hour of hell in my whole hellish semester in that class? ;))

Apologies for seeming to be so pessimistic. It's just a means, I swear. lol. My friend Leslie and I were talking about how it's okay to dwell in your feelings until you're ready to move on. It reminds me of John Keats. Anyway, I guess this is me dwelling in my anxiety until tomorrow. arrhh.

Slumdog Millionaire: A MUST-watch

Thanks to Javi for really getting me to watch this.

Slumdog Millionaire is about, yes, a slumdog who became a millionaire by winning the Indian version of the game, 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' As the uneducated person that he is, authorities question him and thinks he might be cheating. The rest of the film tells the story of how he won that game. In this film, you really see that the things you remember the most are those that you experience the hard way.

Really a touching story, just don't watch until the the dance at the end. It ruins the mood. lol. ;)

Mediocrity

They say when you want something, go get it because it's not worth being forced to do something you don't want to do. There's also this book entitled "Do what you love, the money will follow". I've held onto these ideas probably my whole life. But I am slowly realizing that loving something does not always mean being good at it as well (despite the loads of effort, time and resources you give for it), and I think this was the real reason why I shifted away from my first course. I was afraid to face the fact that I can't be as good as I want to be at something I really wanted. It's the fear of realizing that this thing you've always associated with yourself, something you've been attached to, something which can almost define you, was never really entirely you because you can't be good enough for it. That is when you start to lose yourself, or at least the sense of it.

And that, I think, is one of the reasons why I am a mess right now. I'm shattered (assuming that I was once really whole) and I am struggling to be myself again... to have a self at all. To do what I love and be good at it, because that way I'll know I'm where I'm supposed to be, unlike now when I'm feeling that things aren't right... that there's something wrong with me or that I'm doing something wrong because no matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be that person.

The sad fact is, I fucking feel so downright mediocre.

(Gohd, so emo.)